1. We’re scared (terrified in fact) and worried about absolutely everything: the pregnancy, the birth, the baby (when she comes). Please don’t say “you’re going to be fine” because that’s not going to make us feel any less nervy. Pregnancy is not just our thing, it’s also your thing (we won’t be pregnant without you!); so, we really want you to be there for us and support us – talk to us, listen to our worries, come to as many antenatal appointments as you can, and to the antenatal classes, and know what’s happening to the baby and us every week.
2. We can’t wait to meet our baby, but we’re terrified about childbirth, and we can’t make up our mind about it. We’ll want a natural birth because c-section sounds awful. No, wait, actually, c-section doesn’t sound too bad; at least, we’ll know what to expect. But we prefer to give birth at home; we’ll be in a familiar environment and it’ll help relaxes us. Although, we think birth centre is a better choice; at least, we’ll be near the hospital (just in case). Or maybe, we should just go to the labour ward. We’ll want an epidural anyway. Or not. The point is, we’re faced with a very difficult decision to make. We’ll make it eventually, but we’ll want to consider every possible option very carefully and make that decision ourselves. In the meantime, whatever it is that comes out of our mouth, please don’t say “I think it’s better that you…” or ask “are you sure?” – just agree with us and reassure us that whatever decision we make, you’ll be there to support us and be the best birth partner you can be.
3. Yes, our boobs are bigger (and they will get bigger), but don’t get all excited; they’re also sore and unusually sensitive. So, no, you can’t touch them, or if we let you, you have to be very gentle.
4. Wherever we go, whoever we meet, we’ll be the centre of attention (not you) – people will want to know how we feel, what our plans are and talk to us about ‘mummy’ and ‘baby’ stuff. At times, you’ll feel overwhelmed and you’ll get the urge to walk away from the conversation and leave us to face it on our own. Don’t! Trust us when we say that some of us too feel overwhelmed sometimes. If we have to sit through it, be supportive and sit with us. You should start getting used to this kind of talk anyway because…
5. When the baby comes, the baby and us will be the centre of attention (again, not you), and people will (again) want to know how we feel, what our plans are and talk to us about ‘mummy’ and ‘baby’ stuff. But hey, you should be used to it by then.
6. No, sex won’t hurt the baby (we know you want to know). Although, in some cases, it might be a good idea to check with the doctor or midwife.
7. Speaking of sex, we suggest that you take our lead on this one. Every woman is different and every pregnancy is different. But everyone agrees that you shouldn’t expect a lot in the first trimester (in between morning sickness and everything that’s happening to our body, we really just want to sleep). The best time for you to ask is midway through the second trimester. Some women will want to do it again much later into the pregnancy; but be careful – sex can induce labour (although, that’s probably our intention if we initiate sex at that point in time).
8. Food… this is the thing… when we’re pregnant, we must have what we want and when we want it. So, when we say we’re hungry, please don’t say “but it’s almost lunch time” or “it’s almost dinner time” – sure, we’ll eat at those times, but we also want to eat now. Otherwise, our pregnancy hormones will almost always take over and… let’s just say, it’s not worth the risk.
9. Still on the subject of food… ours are off-limits to you. And yes, we get the bigger and better part of everything. There’s a baby growing inside us, so hush!
10. When our nesting instinct kicks in, please don’t tell us “but it’s still early days” or that we’re “behaving irrationally” – it will not bode well with us. Either stay out of our way and let us get on with it or help us out. Whatever you do, don’t comment on or un-do the thing we’ve done. We get very possessive over our ‘nest’. You won’t go and mess up a lion’s nest, will you? We thought so!
11. We’re hormonal. There, we’ve said it. So, we may be a tad more emotional and moody (okay, we admit that ‘a tad’ is an understatement); we may scream or cry over absolutely nothing and go berserk every time you do or say something we don’t agree with. It really is the hormones. But, whatever happens, never ever say that we’re hormonal. Just act as though we’re right and completely normal. Otherwise, you might have to face more of those hormones.
12. Please don’t point at our belly and say how big we’re getting. Yes, yes, we know that belly of ours is supposed to get bigger. It’s only natural that it gets bigger. And when you say how big our belly is getting, we know you don’t mean we’re getting fatter, but say it often enough and it’ll mean the same thing to us.
13. Do think twice before using the word “we”. Like, “we” prefer to deliver the baby at the labour ward or “we” didn’t mind you coming over to visit us as soon as we have the baby. When it’s really us (and not you) who will have to endure the worst part of the experience, using the word “we” is an absolute no-no.
14. When anyone, and we mean anyone (yes, that includes your family), tells you that we shouldn’t be doing this, we shouldn’t be doing that, and gives you pregnancy, childbirth and parenting advice, don’t glance at us with that “you should listen to this” look or tell us that we’ve been doing it wrong all this time. We’re already feeling vulnerable and patronised enough (especially if we’re a first time mum). Don’t be one of those people who make us feel that way. Besides, everyone has their own preferences and everyone does things differently. So, trust us, be on our team, stand by our side, and support our decisions (even if we get defensive from time to time, and we will!). You know we’ll ask for advice if and when we want or need it.
15. As our pregnancy progresses, our brain will also shrink in size (yes, it’s medically proven). Please be more understanding if we become more forgetful. And no, please don’t say “can you please remind me to…” because we will certainly forget.
16. We love to build a fortress (made of pillows) around our sleeping space. You see, it’s not easy finding a comfortable position to sleep when your belly feels like it’s stretched in every direction. And as it gets bigger, it’ll need to rest on something fluffy and soft. We’ll also need support for our back, legs, arms… The point is, we need to be as comfortable as possible, so, just give us the space and don’t invade.
17. We know we’re pregnant and we can’t or are not supposed to do certain (particularly strenuous) activities. As much as we appreciate your help in, for example, carrying the groceries, picking up heavy objects, etc, we won’t appreciate it if you constantly treat us like a princess in need of a rescue. But, come to think of it, if you don’t do anything at all, we won’t be happy either. Oh well, you can’t win either way – we’ll bitch if you treat us like a princess and we’ll bitch if you don’t! Just do it moderately (a bit more than usual is okay, but don’t go overboard), and we’ll be fine.
18. Pregnancy makes us feel tired… not lazy… tired! Please don’t say “you’re not doing anything, how can you be tired?” The truth is, pregnancy is hard work, it really is – we’re not doing nothing; in fact, we’re doing a lot of things (backstage), like, growing a life inside us. You can’t imagine how hard our body is working to make sure that the baby is developing well; we couldn’t imagine it ourselves before we were pregnant.
19. Pregnancy also makes us feel awful – the morning sickness, the backache, the headache, the leg cramps, the indigestion, the heartburn, the constant need to pee, etc… etc… It will probably make us whine a lot, but if you ever feel annoyed at our constant whining, know that we’re also annoyed at all the pregnancy symptoms we’re experiencing. So, be supportive and look after us…
20. And yes, we’ll want another massage, and another massage. Please don’t moan…
21. In fact, please don’t moan and complain about anything. We’re in pain looking after a tiny little life inside us; we just want to be looked after too.
22. Finally, when the baby comes, we want your help and we want you to want to help. There’ll be a lot of crying and feeding at ungodly hours, and we can’t do it on our own, we need you on board. We know we’re probably going to be on a maternity leave and you have to go to work in the morning. But please don’t ever think that when you’re out at work during the day, we’re having a leisurely time at home napping. Caring for a baby is a 24/7 job and it’s hard. Please don’t ever say “it’s okay for you, I have to go to work in the morning!” and let us do it all on our own; if you do, you might soon have to deal with not 1 but 2 grumpy and crying people at home.